Tag: wondering

Why Ask Why?

I’ve been asking myself “why?” a lot lately in regards to this blog.  Why am I spending my time writing about prayer?  Wouldn’t I be better served to spend my time productively– making something useful, keeping the apartment cleaner, going to the gym–even spending more time in prayer instead of dissecting it and babbling on to an invisible audience?

But the truth is that I began writing this blog in response to another question, a more basic question thrown at me (not personally, but thrown out to all who believe in the power of prayer)–  “WHY?”  They weren’t asking the question because they really wanted to know my reasons for praying; instead, they wanted to make me feel ashamed and embarrassed, to doubt God’s goodness and my faith.  In fact, they weren’t asking “WHY” so much as asking “HOW”.  How can you continue to believe in God and continue praying in light of random shootings, manifest injustices, rampant corruption, and senseless tragedies?  How can you say that God is good, when people continue to get away with evil?  If God exists, where is he, and how can you just sit back and trust in him?

The fact that I DO continue to trust God doesn’t mean I don’t have questions and concerns, and even righteous anger about the state of the world and the tragedies that fill it.  The questions come pouring out, sometimes keeping me awake at night, sometimes catching me at a raw moment– and they are important questions.  To pretend that I never wrestle or struggle with the questions is to say that good and evil, justice and mercy, that God himself– none of it really matters enough to seek an answer.  God forbid!!

But there is a vast difference in asking “Why?” and challenging God by saying “How? or How come?”

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Consider a small child who asks, “Why is the sky blue?”  (Don’t you just love the inquisitiveness of small children?)  “Well…” I can explain that the sky itself isn’t really blue…I can go on to talk about scientific principals– the property of light, refraction through water molecules and dust particles, and more..I can point out that the sky doesn’t always appear blue, etc.  At the end of my long and factual discourse (assuming the child hasn’t already interrupted), s/he is likely to simply shake their head and ask, “But, why?”  WHY?  Because I haven’t really answered the heart of the question.  I explained HOW, not WHY.

Now suppose I don’t feel like being pedantic, and I simply answer “Because.”  You can guess what comes next.  The child will ask, “Because WHY?”  Because “Because” isn’t a sufficiently satisfactory answer.  The child wants more; he/she yearns for more comprehension; more understanding.

As an adult, we find this kind of questioning frustrating and annoying.  I think it is because we have been conditioned to think that questions either have a “How come” explanation that sweeps away much of the wonder and mystery, or a “because” answer that leaves us unsatisfied. We are frustrated by questions to which we already have a pat answer, and we are frustrated by questions to which we have never received a satisfactory answer.

As an adult, I may well ask, “Why is there evil in the world?”  This is an important question; one I should be asking.  Experts can and will give me all kinds of “how” answers– how the brain is wired, how emotions work, how society has failed various groups of people, how political structures create oppression, how religion teaches intolerance, how poor diet or lack of sunny days … there are a million explanation of “how” evil exists or why it persists.  And many of these explanations contradict each other, so they can’t even give a conclusive answer.  But just throwing up my hands, and saying, “just because” does nothing to answer my question OR provide understanding that could help alleviate the effects of evil in the world.  “Because” communicates my powerlessness to comprehend.

BUT

Something amazing happens when I stop merely asking people for answers to these questions and start asking God.  I don’t get a magical, comprehensive, incontrovertible answer to life’s thorny questions.  God doesn’t send me a “cheat sheet” with all the “right” answers.  I’m not suddenly an expert on good and evil or what should be done to eliminate crime and disease and poverty.  I still have to wade through the “how come” explanations and use my limited judgment to decide what course of action I can take to try to make a positive difference.  And I will make some mistakes along the way.  But when GOD says, “Because”, there is an authority, a majesty, and a wisdom that can never be present in my answer.  I say “because,” because I have no more to say; no better answer.  God says, “Because,” because HE IS the answer! And the cause!  And he gives explanations in his word for many of my questions– even if I don’t like the answers!  He doesn’t explain “how come” the sky is blue–even though science can tell me the “how come.” God doesn’t have to explain the blue sky –He causes it to be blue.  “Why is the sky blue?”  God makes it so.  “But why?”  Because He is God and I am not.  God explains “how come” there is evil in the world– it’s called SIN–but he doesn’t leave it there.  “Why?”  Because we have the free will to choose good or evil.  “Why?”  Because God wants willing obedience and loving companionship with us.  “Why?” Because God is love!  “So why does he allow evil to continue?”  Because he has a plan that involves redemption and restoration and renewal.  He is the cause of this plan, he is its author and finisher.  Moreover, he is the cause of my desire to ask “why?”, to seek for a more fulfilling answer, to yearn for a solution to the very evil that prompts my questions.

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I won’t stop asking “why.”  Not because I don’t have any answer, or because I don’t know the answer.  It’s just that the answer is so much bigger, so much better, so much MORE than I can handle in the shortness of this lifetime. And it’s important that I not only keep asking the question, but that I keep defending the answer. Because perhaps today, or tomorrow, or every day next week, someone may ask me WHY?

 

1 Peter 3:14-16 English Standard Version (ESV)

14 But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, 15 but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, 16 having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame.

 

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When God says, “Wait!”

I hate waiting. Most people do. I hate waiting rooms at the doctor’s office or the waiting area at the garage or the DMV. They try to make it a bit more pleasant with music, or a TV, or magazines lying around to keep you occupied. But usually, I spend the whole time thinking of “useful” things I could be doing if I wasn’t sitting around waiting. Recently, I published my first book, and I had to wait for freshly printed copies to be sent to my door. Every day, I waited for the delivery van to pull up– and every day, I missed it. Finally, I had to pick them up at the post office. Those few days seemed to take forever.

But I have learned over the years that waiting is necessary, and even good sometimes.

I was thinking about my first “real” teaching job–not student teaching or getting called in as a substitute, but a permanent position. I applied for a teaching job in my hometown. They needed an English teacher for middle and high school– perfect! I felt the interview went well, and I was a “known quantity”– many of the staff knew me from my time as a student just a few years before. Nevertheless, I waited and waited and finally got bad news. The job had gone to another applicant with more teaching experience. I was disappointed. I had prayed so hard, and it seemed like the perfect “fit.” I knew I should trust that God knew about my situation, and had everything in hand, but I just felt the outcome wasn’t “right.” What would I do now? I looked for other teaching positions, but could find nothing. I ended up doing substitute teaching. It was sporadic and unpredictable. I wasn’t really teaching as much as babysitting– especially in classes like elementary music!

Still, I learned a lot about classroom discipline; something I hadn’t really experienced much of before. My student teaching had been done with master teachers who were amazing examples of quiet but stern management. Even when they “turned their class over” to me in the final weeks, the students knew that their other teachers would back me up in a classroom situation.

Not so with substitute teaching! Not only was I “on my own” in the classroom, I frequently traveled to schools where I knew no one on staff and no one knew me. I had no idea what kind of discipline was practiced by either the teacher or the administration at some of the schools. Most were ok, and staff were friendly and supportive. Most of the students were typically a bit naughty, but not out of reason. But not all! There was one class of over thirty-five fourth- and fifth-graders whose teacher had left no lesson plans, and another day at a high school where the entire staff was intimidated by the football team– most of whom were in the same third hour class. The lesson plan called for them to do research in the library– the librarian hid– and I was trying to stop them from literally throwing the pumpkins that were meant to be decorations at each other!

All this to say that after several months, I got a phone call. It was my old school, wanting to know if I would be interested in finishing out the school year in the position I had applied for the previous fall. It turns out the teacher they had hired had serious health issues and had missed over 60 days! They had been trying to fill in with substitutes, but wanted someone who could bring stability and order to the classes for the last marking periods of the year.

My first week in the new position was a nightmare. Every class had fallen behind. The succession of substitutes had given up. The classes lacked discipline and focus. In fact, the other regular teacher had written off all the students as irredeemable hooligans, and she was glad to give up the position. My first day, one of the high school students attempted to sneak out of the window at the back of the classroom, while another classmate tried to sneak out the door! And I found out that my last hour class was to be held in the middle school band room– it was a computer class! I had to commute from the high school to the middle school, which took up part of my preparation period, so I had little time for planning or grading paperwork.

In spite of all the challenges, that first “trial by fire” proved that I really was a “fit” for the position after all. I spent another seven years teaching in my hometown. Eventually, my schedule was changed and I no longer had to commute. I loved my students (most of them), and I am still in touch with some of them to this day! Even the ones from that first disastrous partial year.

God did not answer those first eager prayers that I should get the teaching position right away. And even when I finally “got” it, it was filled with challenges and obstacles. But in the waiting, God was there. Even in the difficult substitute assignments, and the adjustments, and the questions about why I didn’t get the job when I first interviewed.

God may not tell us audibly why He wants us to wait. He won’t tell us how long we must wait. And He generally doesn’t put us in a “waiting room”, filled with soothing music or distracting TV ads or old magazines. But we can trust that God has good reasons for us to wait– whether it’s for a job, or a spouse, a chronic illness, loss of income, or change in circumstances. What He asks is that we trust Him, and that we continue walking a praying in faith. Because I will be worth the wait.

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What If?

As I am writing this, people in my country are voting or preparing to vote in a Presidential election.  Many of them are voting in fear, confusion, or anger, and asking, “What if my candidate/cause/political party doesn’t ‘win’ today?”  “What if I voted for the ‘wrong’ policies or people?”  “What does the future hold?”

These are not uncommon or unrealistic questions, but they are questions that can waste our time and sap our energy in hypothetical posturing.  The writer of Ecclesiastes says:

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Ecclesiastes 11:1-6 King James Version (KJV)

11 Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days. 2 Give a portion to seven, and also to eight; for thou knowest not what evil shall be upon the earth. 3 If the clouds be full of rain, they empty themselves upon the earth: and if the tree fall toward the south, or toward the north, in the place where the tree falleth, there it shall be. 4 He that observeth the wind shall not sow; and he that regardeth the clouds shall not reap. 5 As thou knowest not what is the way of the spirit, nor how the bones do grow in the womb of her that is with child: even so thou knowest not the works of God who maketh all. 6 In the morning sow thy seed, and in the evening withhold not thine hand: for thou knowest not whether shall prosper, either this or that, or whether they both shall be alike good. 

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It is not wrong to wonder about the future, but we cannot be sure that our actions will always produce the results we long for– especially when we have little control over other people’s actions and consequences.  The first two verses of this passage warn us not to “put all of our eggs in one basket”.  As free citizens in a democratic republic, we shouldn’t put our trust in any one political party, platform, or politician.  Nor should we live in a social or political “echo chamber”, listening only to the views and ideas with which we feel most comfortable, or least challenged.  However, we should look at the long-term consequences of proposals and the reasons behind them before we promote change just for the sake of it.

The third verse reminds us that some changes and events are beyond our knowledge or control.  It’s not that our vote “doesn’t make a difference” or that we’re on “the wrong side of history”– it may mean that history has taken a detour surrounding a certain issue.  It may mean that God is allowing for something we have not imagined (as He did in the days of Habakkuk). Get some great “Insight” into the Book of Habakkuk here.

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But there is more wisdom to come in verses 4-6.  Waiting for certainty of outcome, or being distracted by our circumstances or every “wind of change” can lead us to miss the very real opportunities for present action.  God has given us everything we need (see 2 Peter 1:3-5) for godly living and godly decision-making.  That doesn’t mean that our decisions will always reflect popular “wisdom”; it doesn’t even mean that our decisions will be the same as all other fellow believers and followers of Christ.  It DOES mean that we can make our decisions without fear.  God knows us– He understands your heart and mind better than anyone; He knows why people who agree on spiritual matters may not agree on politics.  But more than that, God KNOWS the future!  He knows all the things that we merely guess at.  So we should act in the present with the best information we have, and leave the rest to the God who knows best.

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Modern politics relies heavily on conjecture– polls, predictions, pledges, projections, plans, and campaign promises.  But God is still sovereign over all nations, governments, and peoples.  Instead of asking, “What if..” we should be asking of God, “What now?!”   And we need to be ready to listen and obey!  Let’s pray today for the wisdom to listen more, act with confidence, and trust our future to the one who has already seen it!

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When God Doesn’t (Seem to) Answer…

Prayer is a conversation with God. But sometimes it can seem like a one-sided conversation. We have pressing needs for healing, or strength to bear up under stress or oppression. Sometimes, we pray for our loved ones’ struggles against addiction or wrong choices. And God seems silent.

Sometimes, it’s better to get an answer we don’t like than no answer at all. When I was younger, I prayed for a family– a dream family with a handsome husband (preferably wealthy), three adorable and well-behaved children (I already had names picked out..), and maybe a beloved family pet, all living in a beautiful house with a big back yard, and maybe a small woods. I waited and prayed; prayed and waited. When I was in my thirties, still waiting and praying, I found out that I have several health problems– none of them life-threatening, but they mean that the chances that I would ever have had children are slim to none. I would never have the pleasure of watching my own children grow up; never know the joy of having a little voice calling me “mommy.”

But God had not abandoned me. In my careers as a teacher and a children’s librarian (careers I had begun before I knew I couldn’t have children of my own), I had the joy of working with hundreds of children across a spectrum of ages, from nearly newborn through college! My memories are filled with a choir of voices calling me Miss Toney or Miss Lila (as I was known then). God had not closed the door on my dream– he had opened a window.

It wasn’t the answer I had hoped for, but it was an answer. However, I was still single. I didn’t want to be single. I didn’t feel it was what God wanted for my life, yet He didn’t seem to be listening or giving me any sign that He heard or understood. There was only silence. No promising relationships– only a few scattered dates over the long years–a few budding friendships, and many lonely days and nights.

There were many helpful friends and family with suggestions, ideas, advice, comforting thoughts, or “explanations.” “God is waiting for you to become more mature in your walk with Him.” “God is saving the best for last.” “You’re too picky (I was never quite sure what that meant in light of the scarcity of dates, but…)” “You need to ‘get out there’ more–have you tried on-line dating? (I did. It was ‘meh’..).” “You should change jobs– single men are not hanging out at the library.” “You should change churches– find one with more single men.” But God stayed silent through my thirties and into my forties.

I did take some of the very good advice I received. I signed up to do short term missions trips. I traveled when I could, with family and friends, and even on my own. I read and went back to college. I spent time in the woods and at the beach, meditating, singing, or just enjoying God’s nature. I got “involved” in various volunteer opportunities. I joined the church choir. And I continued to pray.

By the time I was squarely in my forties, I had decided to stop praying for a husband, to stop hoping, and praying, and seeking, and dreaming. And God said nothing. But I began getting phone calls from an old friend– someone I had known in childhood–in fact, the very first boy I had ever dated, nearly 30 years before! At first, I listened to his voice-mail messages, but didn’t return his calls. I was annoyed, and even a bit angry. After all this time, was God laughing at me? Did He really expect me to go all the way back to the very beginning and start over?

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Finally, I let go of my pride, and my ancient dream– I decided to give David a chance. Maybe it would lead to another (renewed) friendship. Maybe it would be another disappointment. But it led to a new dream. It led to marriage, and a huge extended family, including David’s wonderful children, and three adorable (and mostly well-behaved) grandchildren. My husband is kind, and honorable, and Godly. He is a treasure. And God’s timing is perfect, even as it is mysterious. God didn’t withhold marriage as a bargaining chip to get me to “grow up,” or grant it as a “reward” for going on a couple of mission trips. God was silent–but He wasn’t absent. He saw every teardrop, rejoiced in every busy child-filled day at work, smiled at every snapshot of every natural wonder, every Teddy Bear picnic, every Bible School. He want along on every date, kept track of all the hundreds of books I read over the years, and hovered over the dinner table set for one every night. I committed my life to serving Him– whether I was single or married, alone, or surrounded by children. His ways are higher, and better, and wiser than mine.

I may never understand why God allowed me to travel the roads that have been set before me. And my roads could have looked much different. I could have married young, unaware of my barrenness, and ended up bitter and feeling guilty about my body for years before I was diagnosed. I might have had a child (or children), and become proud and controlling and fearful. I might have made idols of my “dream” husband and family.

I know many dozens of people who are praying into the “silence” and waiting for God’s answer. Some are praying for healing. They may pray for days in the hospital, only to lose their loved one. They may pray for weeks or months, as their child battles chronic illness. They may pray for years as they battle depression and loneliness. God may seem silent. But He is never absent. His ways sometimes lead to a happy ending in this life. Sometimes, they lead us to have greater understanding and compassion for others. Sometimes, they lead us to unexpected purposes and goals– adventures beyond what we have ever dreamed of. Sometimes, they lead to a legacy that we cannot see this side of death. He does not promise us the answer we want, when or how we want it. He doesn’t promise us an easy or “happy” answer on the road ahead of us in this life. What He does promise is that He will never forsake us. Long after we have been tempted to give up, to doubt, to turn away, God will still be waiting– sometimes in the silence– for the perfect moment, the perfect justice, the perfect word, the perfect solution.

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I Already Prayed About That…

Have you ever been in a season where you felt like you were praying about the same situation over and over with no results? No answers, and no indication that God has even heard? And you feel frustrated and even guilty about praying AGAIN about it?

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We live in an “instant” culture. Instant banking, instant coffee, drive-through fast food, and 24-hour news cycles give us the expectation that we can get whatever we want or need with the push of a button or flip of a switch. Just yesterday, I pulled into the grocery store parking lot, and, seeing how full the parking lot was, I drove two miles away to a different store, because I anticipated long lines at the checkout! I don’t like waiting. I don’t like “wasting” time.

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But God often puts us in a “holding pattern.” He may seem silent or distant, non-responsive or even absent. And in our impatience, we may stop bringing our burden to God, and seek elsewhere for answers or relief. Even when we know that God has promised to hear us, and never leave us alone, we long for instant gratification. And when we don’t get it, we start to wonder and doubt.

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Sometimes, I feel angry in my impatience. I want answers! I want to know the next step forward! Other times, I feel hurt. Does God not hear me? Does He not understand my need? Sometimes, I even feel guilty. I know that God “knows” everything. Why do I keep bothering Him with the same thing? Am I asking for the wrong thing? Am I asking in the wrong way?

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It is okay to have questions. It is normal to wonder. And I don’t have a “quick fix” answer for times like this. I think most of us experience these questions at some point. And the Bible has many examples throughout history of others who waited– some patiently, and others not so much…

Abraham and Sarah waited years for a family. In their impatience, they tried to do it in their own wisdom with heart-breaking results that echo down through thousands of years. Hannah prayed for years while enduring the taunts of her rival, Peninnah, before God gave her a son. A woman who touched Jesus’s robe had prayed and waited years for healing from her constant bleeding and pain. I know of parents who prayed for years that their wayward son or daughter would return home– some kept praying until they died, never seeing an answer.

But one comforting takeaway from all these Biblical and real-life examples– God DOES see and hear us. He left all those stories for us to read, knowing that we, too, would face trying and overwhelming circumstances. God doesn’t always give us an immediate or conclusive answer in our struggles. If He did, we would never develop a real and solid faith. God is less interested in answering our questions than He is in sharing our struggles. He does not want to walk ahead of us and smooth out our every path. Instead, He wants to walk beside us in the hills and the valleys of life.

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So even if “I already prayed about that..” I can keep praying with confidence. God hears. He knows. And He cares enough to slog it out right by my side. And yours.

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